Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
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Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world