Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
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Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child