Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
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95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.