Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.

Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.

My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

Happy thanksgiving

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation