Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.