Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
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Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.