Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
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Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow