Rambo Rambow
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UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.