@mattgallo123

Ramen again? This guy’s a mess.
-mice in my kitchen

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@mojo_bones_

My pot never calls the kettle ‘black’ because I don’t buy talking marijuana

@SlimSinclair

When people ask me if I want to hold their baby, I just say “not sure if Im legally allowed to”. Then they leave me alone & Im happy again.

@shanethevein

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

@Arrogant_Twat

Tell someone you love them today, because life is short.
But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.

@mamapjs1

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

@lovemydogduck

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

@caliluvgirl77

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

@PsstCaptain

Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

@sara_ashlynn

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.