Ramen again? This guy’s a mess.
-mice in my kitchen

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As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.


My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.


For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.


You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.


Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.


my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe


Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”


I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!


If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.


All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.