Ramen again? This guy’s a mess.
-mice in my kitchen

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My pot never calls the kettle ‘black’ because I don’t buy talking marijuana


When people ask me if I want to hold their baby, I just say “not sure if Im legally allowed to”. Then they leave me alone & Im happy again.


Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.


Tell someone you love them today, because life is short.
But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.


Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.


I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.


[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.


Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.


My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.