ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
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*eats only grass-fed donuts
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes