Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

Destined to be a firefighter from birth.

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage

ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.