Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!

Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm

DO U HAVE COWS?

Yes, it’s a dairy farm

DO U HAVE WHALES?

Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos