Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

3% human
97% stress

What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓

Strawbarely.

#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

“Can I help you?”

“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”

“So, you’re here about the job?”

“Most indubitably.”

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.

I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.

~ Theresa May

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring

jeweler: how many karats

bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.

Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes

My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need