Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

email: CC

my brain: corn cob

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

Me: I’m having a bad day!

Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.

Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.