Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
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I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
This kid will have a bright future.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.