Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
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turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what