Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”

Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”

Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”

Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.