Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

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[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service


If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.


You may recognize me from such films as:

HR surveillance footage 11/13/12
HR surveillance footage 01/22/13
HR surveillance footage 02/28/13


I play Nickelback real loud all day so crickets can listen to something annoying when they try to sleep


When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace


Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.


Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*


According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.


Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word “stop.”


HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!