Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
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you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
oh shit
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Me in tagged photos
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what