Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
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How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Lmbo
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am