Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
You Might Also Like
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]