Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
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Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
This squirrel eats better than I do
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Tell me you get it…🤣
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”