Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
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Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
