Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.

Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.