Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

when the buffet is more honest than your date

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!

People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show