Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

never deleting this app.

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…