@IamEnidColeslaw

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT

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@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

@coolauntV

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

@UnicornSyrup

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

@TheAlexNevil

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

@JRehling

So, Noah found two polar bears in the Mideast? And after the flood, he took them back to Canada? That sounds plausible. #GodScience

@TheAndrewNadeau

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.