@IamEnidColeslaw

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT

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@EZSherlock

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

@SteveKoehler22

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

@notnotscotty

on the toilet 15min: both legs asleep
in bed 3hrs: none of anything asleep

@vuhsace

All the “men aint shit” tweets slow down around Valentine’s Day

@MsSkaarsgard

People are allowed to change their mind, I whisper, as I reach for a third Cinnabon.

@TylerFoFyler

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan just woke up on my couch and won’t make eye contact.

@BrassBallsCJ

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.