Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
You Might Also Like
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
emergency phone
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?