Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?

Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?

2020: How’s your back?

Me: Damn it!

2020: *teehee*

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.