Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him