Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
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Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Me trying to look natural in photos
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before