Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Never mess with a drunken pig.
How do I get a job writing these texts
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.