Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
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Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I put the h in mysterious.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.