Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”

KID: *goes kicking and screaming*

TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight

ADULT: Thank you so much

I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.

“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”

Caller:

“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”

choose your gary

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

I love being outside, just not when it’s too cold or too hot or too wet or too windy or if there are bugs

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions

My toxic trait is treating my glasses like they’re not the most expensive thing I wear everyday.

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.