Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

The past three months of 2021 have flown by.

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!

“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.

[ alone in a dark cemetery ]

me: marco

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

“I said, ‘No’”

– me, about to give my dog my sandwich

People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?