Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
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We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.