Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
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Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
A sick whale is called an unwhale
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]