Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.

Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

[during sex]

HER: can you turn off the light

ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet

He a real one for that

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…