Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
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I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
titanic
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ