Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
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guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
dam girl
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?