Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
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A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”