Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
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Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.