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@Jandalize

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

@jctwritesstuff

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

@MelKassel

Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

@swisherr_tweet

How to be a white girl:

1.) Get a frappuccino from Starbucks
2.) take a picture drinking it
3.) Instagram it
4.) hash tag ‘summerrrrrrrrr’

@ShortSleeveSuit

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

@david8hughes

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

@PhilJamesson

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

@CarpeAngela

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink