ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
You Might Also Like
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Dietest Coke
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]