Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

Her: I hate organized religion

Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.