Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
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[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
