Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
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For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
watching gymnastics
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.