Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
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waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.