Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
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My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.