Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

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Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.


Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.


Overheard in my dorm, from the hallway: “Dude, are those tearaway pants?” *ripping sound* “DUDE THAT’S SO COOL”


[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]


Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.


“Can I have a drink?”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.


The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.


Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that


him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night

me: yeah they say most people do

him: but they’re usually asleep

me (crunching): semantics semantics

him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth