Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

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A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL


Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job


Scott Walker is dropping out of the Presidential race. In a nationwide poll of likely voters nearly 98% responded to the news with, “Who?”


*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace


Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.


Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive


Me: “I gotta do things” …

Body: “you did things yesterday shut up”.


I thought I saw Bradley Cooper but it was just every poem ever written formed into a beach sunset with amazing hair


No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.