Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

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To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later


“Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop”

Ok hold up *pulls out iphone*

“Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop”

ISIS:”ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?”


FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.

ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5


[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.


RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this


[1st date]
*stuffing face* sorry i eat a lot when im nervous

‘u know ur eating a candle right?’

yah *points to napkin* u gonna finish that


To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.


I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.


If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.