@JermHimselfish

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

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@Jesusontwittorr

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

@OmarImranTweets

“Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop”

Ok hold up *pulls out iphone*

“Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop”

ISIS:”ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?”

@QwertyJones3

FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.

ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5

@TheToddWilliams

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

@TuSoonShakur

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

@hippieswordfish

[1st date]
*stuffing face* sorry i eat a lot when im nervous

‘u know ur eating a candle right?’

yah *points to napkin* u gonna finish that

@JohnLyonTweets

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

@joeljeffrey

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

@TheBoydP

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.