Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
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Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Overheard in my dorm, from the hallway: “Dude, are those tearaway pants?” *ripping sound* “DUDE THAT’S SO COOL”
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
“Can I have a drink?”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”
See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth