Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
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I didn’t realize that was an option
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Life cycle of cat
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Hello Twits.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?