Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look