Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
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Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”