Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
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That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I have never related to anyone more.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
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I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.