Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
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If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
NEW LAUNDRY RULES!
1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!
2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!
3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
the red hot silly peppers
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
To everyone worried about the dangers of TikTok influencers on kids, please know that every day, a new YouTuber sets up an account and convinces someone’s husband that there’s no need to hire a plumber.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!