I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
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Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane