random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
You Might Also Like
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
not to brag, but mine was free
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
finally found a reasonable question
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”