Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

There’s never enough good news

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

❤️

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard