Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.

Husband: On it!

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

John Lennon: imagine all the people

Me: ew

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.