Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND