random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Did I do this right
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
