Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
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“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
i hate you platonically
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
bro what is going on at twitter