Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
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No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
The future is now.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok