Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?

Toddler: What’s for dinner?

Me: Fish cakes.

Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: ……. Sure.

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?