Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

Monday

taking June’s advice to heart

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

I put the I in Insufferable.

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.