Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
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[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes