Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.

Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

I get distracted pretty eas

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”