Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

ME: So how fast are you at making suits?

TAYLOR SWIFT: …

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter