Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
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I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family