Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
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You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Genius idea!!
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard