Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…

Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

*Becomes a black hole*

*Only absorbs corndogs*

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl